The Hardest Three Months

WARNING: This is my short story about Hilary's passing. The past three months have been really hard. Hilary continued to go down hill rather quickly. Daily we could see a change in her. She would be able to take baby steps and then the next week she no longer could walk. Another example is she had no problem sitting up and the next day she couldn't, we had to help support her. Then at the beginning of October she started haveing muscle cramps. They would start in her shoulder then they moved to her arm and even her legs. She would cry out in pain and we had no idea what to do or how to help. We tried to massage it out but they would only come back. If massaging didn't work we would give her morphine. Which she did not like and we did not like giving her. When she would have the muscle cramps you could see her muscle tightening up. It was like she was having labor pains, her body would shake with the pain. And it hurt to watch. The Hospic nurse planned a meeting with the entire family so we could get on the same page and ask any questions we had. One idea was that we could take Hil to the hospital and they could get her pain under control and then transport her back home or we could try to get the pain under control at home with the meds that were prescribed. We decided to keep Hil at home because that is what she had wanted. The next evening we received a call from a family friend telling us that we needed to get over to Hil's as soon as possible. Jesse left right away. I waited. Jesse called me a little after getting over there and told me to find a babysitter and that he was on his way to pick me up. When we arrived there were a lot of family and friends that had already arrived. I walked in the door and Hil looked absolutely horrible. She was sleeping but her skin looked gray. We had never seen her like that. All I could say to her was "I love you, I love you, I love you". And give her kisses. That night Chris flew in from CA. Jesse stayed the night at his mom and dads house. He and I thought it would be best that he stay there. Jesse did not go to work and every night we stayed there helping with the night shift. Everyone was to afraid to leave. Four days had passed and she did not wake up we continued rotating her every two hours and making sure she was comfortable so she would not get bed sores. The last night she was alive I was sitting with a family friend listening to her breath. She was having a hard time. Her breathing was shallow and far apart. All we could do was hold her hands and tell her how wonderful a woman she is and what an inspiration she has been to all of us. I told Jesse that I feel robbed. This is not how I imagined things to happen. I expected to watch her grow old and to have many more memories with her. It only seems right when someone grows old and passes away from old age. When it is not that way it seems wrong and not fair. But, Jesse said that death is part of life no matter how it is. I guess, for me, it is harder to watch someone pass away quickly than over time. I told Hilary that I loved her and not to worry about us or John that we would take care of him. I told her that I was proud of her and her example. That I was so grateful for everything that she taught me, I also told her not to be afraid and that is was okay because I will see her again. If there is anything that this experience has taught me; It is that I LOVED her and I continue to love her. I know that she has a work to do and that I am stronger that I thought I was. Also, my family ROCKS. I am so proud of them we worked so hard and pulled together for Hil. Everyone worked so well. The next morning when I was taking the kids to school I received a phone call from Jesse letting me know that she had passed away. I miss her.